


Once Upon a Time

by theFrey



Category: Lexx
Genre: Fairy Tale Style, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-02
Updated: 2016-09-17
Packaged: 2018-07-28 23:11:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7660783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theFrey/pseuds/theFrey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zev and Stan abuse the right to be annoying. And dead or not, Kai just can't take it any more. Forum postings gone wild as Prince shows up and trouble ensues for the crew of the Lexx.  30k Posts weekly</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Last Nerve

**Author's Note:**

> This is a Story is 30k long and will post one chapter a week. I was written in 2002 as an Add-a-line game between myself and poster named Jade, about half way through, Jade moved on to other interests and I completed it… finally. It started out as a kids fairy tale kind of thing and just mutated from there. At first each of us would do a few sentences, then a few paragraphs, until finally we were passing over pages at a time to each other. Who knew it would take two years to finish? And twelve years to post here :)
> 
> It was my first Fan Fic. Sadly, it is not Beta'd

**Chapter 1**

 Once upon a time, there was a fair young/old man named Kai-drella. Kai co-existed with the beautiful but wicked Xev-sister, the not so beautiful, spoiled and selfish Stan-the-man, and the whiney robot head 790.

 No matter how hard Kai slaved to keep these three demanding entities safe from harm, they were NEVER HAPPY. "Kai, rescue me from this blood-sucking demon!" 

 "Kai, save me from Prince!"

 "Kai, kiss me, or I'll DIE!"

 Kai was patient, emotionless, and mostly moral according to his own fashion. But even Nearly Perfect beings have their limits.

 One day when Kai was pondering over the memories from His Shadow he felt somebody knocking on him on his back.  Kai turned to see Stan standing there sulking.

 "I hate him!" Stan said.

 Kai looked seriously on Stan and said, "Hate whom?"

 "790! Don't you just hate him too?"

 "The dead don't hate!" Kai said with a cool voice.

 "The dead don't this, the dead don't that! What do the dead do?" Stan snorted back to Kai.

 Kai lowered his chin a bit while considering his answer. For although Stan was prone to asking dozens of foolish questions everyday, Kai always tried very hard to give him a rational answer so as not to upset him.  However the more Kai thought about Stan's question, the more disturbed he became. For while it was true that the dead did not hate, it was possible, if one tried very, very hard, to piss them off.

 Kai's eyes narrowed as he considered all of the times that he had bailed these three annoying companions of his out of trouble.

 Not realizing how truly annoying he was being, since he never did. Stan interrupted Kai's thoughts. "Well?" Demanded Stan. "I bet you can't answer me huh. You know why? 'cause the dead don't *do* anything!"

 Kai's eyes widened slightly and then he glared up at Stan from beneath lowered brows. "I will tell you," he growled in a menacing voice, "What I do. I save you and Xev and 790 on a regular basis. I do this *not* in the name of his Divine Shadow, and certainly not for the *pleasure* of your company. And I have never once received anything in return for doing this." 

 Stan retreated slightly at the dangerous tone of Kai's voice, but since he really wasn't very smart, he couldn't stop himself from retorting. "And what exactly do you expect in return," Stan sneered, "since the Dead *do not* have wants or desires."

 Something snapped in Kai. "You are right," he informed Stan in a very cold voice. "The dead *do not* have desires, but they require maintenance, and not once have you or Xev offered to help me with my hair. I think... I think.... that until both of you learn how to *properly* fix my bun and braid my hair that I will not concern myself with *your* problems."

 "WHAT!" Screeched Stan, throwing his hands up in horror. "You can't do that, I heard that Prince has been seen around the county. He wants to imprison us! What will we do if he comes here!"

 "I don't know Stan, I suggest you get 790 and Xev and start thinking about what you need to learn. But I do suggest that it is easier to learn how to do hair than it is to learn self defense."  And off he went to think in privacy. But little did he know, when he walked among the flowers in the garden that Prince would ride by on his black stallion. 

……………………………………………………………………

 "Hello, Kai.  And what is a dead man doing all alone here?" said Prince with a smile. 

 Kai pondered, looking up at Prince.  "Why would I not be alone?" 

 "Because Xev and Stan and 790 follow you almost everywhere you go, do they not?”

 "Not always,” Kai replied, though as he thought about it he realized they did do it quite often.

 Prince smiled again.  “Xev would like to follow you into other places as well, I think.”

 "What Xev would like is impossible.  I am incapable of satisfying her needs.”

 “And what about your needs, Kai?”

 “As I am dead, I have no needs.”

 "Really?  How sad.  A love slave with no love, and a dead man with no needs.”

 “What are your needs, Prince?” Kai asked suddenly.

 “You would not understand,” Prince replied rather sadly.  “I must take my leave of you for now.  Cheery-bye.”  He spurred his horse and left.

 Kai watched him ride away. He did not understand what Prince meant. But he DID know that Prince was no Prince Charming. He should go and check on Xev and Stan. Then he remembered what he had said to Stan, how they never offered to do anything for him, and instead he sat down on the ground. He knew it would only be a matter of time before Xev or Stan came looking for him.

 He sat for some time. No one came. He felt some of his hair falling down. He tried to push it away, but it kept coming back. It was good that he could not get frustrated. 

 "Here, Kai, let me do that," a voice murmured. It was Prince, minus his horse. He held a comb and some hairpins. 

 "Why should I?" Asked Kai. 

 "Why SHOULDN'T you?" Prince retorted. 

 "Because you are evil and only want to hurt people," Kai said.

 "Sometimes," Prince admitted. "I like to do that. But there are other times when I am helpful." 

 "For a price," Kai answered. 

 "I promise you, Kai, this will be free of charge." Without waiting for Kai to answer, he freed his hair and combed it gently. He then swept the top part into a neat bun, securing it carefully before braiding the bottom into a tight clean braid and fastening it. He made sure a thick lock hung down free, then stepped in front of Kai and gave him a mirror. "What do you think?" He asked. 

 Kai looked. "I think... you did a good job. Thank you."

 "You're welcome. But do you know what *I* think, Kai?" 

 "What?" 

 "I think that it is a shame that Xev and Stan treat you so unfairly." 

 Kai looked down. "I'm dead. I need no special treatment." 

 Prince chuckled. "Then why did you refuse to help them any more until they learned how to fix your hair?" 

 Kai handed the mirror back to prince. "What makes you say that?" he asked impassively.

 Prince smiled as slid the mirror into the side pocket of his dark blue coat. His smile widened as he toyed with the strange homemade comb he was holding and then slid that into the same pocket as the mirror. 

 Kai's eyes narrowed as he noted Xevs comb disappearing in Prince's pocket, he stepped back a few paces reading his brace arm. "Where did you get that comb?” he demanded. 

 "Kai," Prince said in an amused voice. "I really thought you were more observant than that. After all, didn't you carve this for Xev? ...Yes, I do believe she mentioned your carving for her to me." 

 "And when was that?" Kai asked in a low voice.

 "Why just a few hours ago I believe," Price said as he started to stroll about the garden, motioning Kai to walk with him. "Shortly after I left you as a matter of fact. It really was most comical, I afraid poor Stanley was having quite a difficult time getting Xev's hair combed out. I'm not sure what they were going to do when it was Xev's turn to practice." Prince paused to pluck a large white Carnation. "But," he continued after taking a deep sniff of the flower. "I am afraid that between the two of them, they had 790 quite upset. I'm afraid he seems to think they aren't up to the challenge." 

 "Xev and even Stan are more than capable of using a comb." Kai declared. 

 "Mmm. I hope so... for their sake." 

 Kai pondered. What if Prince was right? What if they *couldn't* learn to take care of his hair? No. This was another one of Prince's tricks. "I do not think you are telling me the truth," Kai accused. 

 "Really? Now why would I lie about a thing like that?" 

 "To try and cause trouble among us."

 "Would I do that?" Prince asked sweetly. 

 Kai glared at him. "Yes."

 "You could be right. It *is* the sort of thing I would do, isn't it?" Prince mused. "Well, then, Kai. I suppose you'll just have to go find out for yourself." 

 "I will," Kai said, striding off as Prince watched in amusement.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Missing!

Kai strode through the garden towards the house. While he knew it was most likely too late if something had already happened, he needed to make sure this was not a ruse designed by Price to get him away from Stan and Xev. Before leaving the cover of the gardens, Kai made a wide swing around the house, observing it carefully. His assassin training showed nothing that seemed out of place. So he cautiously approached the house. 

Upon entering the house, Kai's trained eye noted a few things disarrayed, as if they had been disturbed during a brief struggle and then put right again. He swiftly searched the house looking for Xev, Stan or 790. Not finding any sign his three companions inside the house, Kai then turned his attention to picking up their trail outside the house. Making a careful sweep of the grounds Kai was easily able to pick up signs of several horses leaving the cobbled approach to the house. The bracken appeared freshly disturbed, and several paces from the road Kai spied a wisp of long blond hair stuck on one of the disturbed branches. After a briefly considering several possible options, Kai decided to see if Prince was still waiting in the garden, or perhaps more importantly to see if Prince’s horse was still in the woods near the garden. 

He searched the woods, but did not find the horse. He then returned to the garden. On the path there lay a note. Kai picked it up and read it.

“Dear Kai, I have taken Xev and Stan to my castle. If you want them back, which I can't imagine why anyone would, follow the path into the Dark Glen. If you make it through, you will see a sign that says: ‘This way to Prince's castle.’ I think I'll be waiting for you. Yours, Prince.”

Kai carefully folded the note and put it in his boot. As a dead ex-assassin he needed nothing for the journey that he did not already possess. He started down the path in the forest towards the Dark Glen. 

"Oh I want my dead man. What am I going to do with out my Kai-o-lisious one, I just can't go on without him!" 790 moaned.

Xev and Stan the man glanced at each other in exasperation and then turned to glare at 790, as he continued to moan and complain. 

"790," Xev snapped, "moaning about Kai is not going to help use get out of here, and you are getting our nerves. Why don't you help us think of a way out of this mess, and then we can all be reunited with Kai." 

"Like I care what Prince does with you and the useless Tweedle," 790 sneered. "I just want to be united with my beloved corpse." 

Stanley paced around the room they were imprisoned in. Stanley had to admit he had been in worse prisons; in fact the only thing uncomfortable about the room was the fact that Prince controlled it. Well that and the fact that he was stuck in here with those two fighting. "Look 790, Xev is right, we need to quit fighting with each other and figure out a way to escape!"

Xev stood up from the bed she was sitting on, and walked over to look out at the bars on the other side of the small casement window. 790 followed her movements and then focused his eyes on Stan. "We wouldn't even be in this mess," he intoned with scorn dripping from every syllable, "If a certain waste of life, ex-security guard hadn't angered my beloved."

"Now wait a minute, " Stan began as Xev started, and then turned to narrow her eyes at him, "Kai was mad at all of us, not just me."

"But you were the last one to talk to him Stan..." Xev began accusingly. 

"That's right Tweedle!" 790 interrupted with a venomous voice, "It's all your fault that my sweet corpse of delight became angered." 

Stan threw himself onto a plain wooden chair and slapped the small table that 790 sat upon so hard that the robot head bounced a little. "Oh no you don't 790." Stan snapped. "If it hadn't been for your behavior that morning I never..." 

And that’s another thing Stanley! Why do you always have to complain to Kai every single time 790 does something you think is wrong? This might not have happened if you had just not complained to Kai," Xev interrupted, her voice rising as she crossed to the small table and leaned into Stanley's face. 

Stanley flushed; color creeping up his neck, suffusing his cheeks a deep red. "That's it! I have had just about enough of both of you ganging up on me every time..." 

"We wouldn't be ganging up on you if it wasn't apparent to even this brainless bitch that you were at fault!" 790 yelled, eyes flashing in anger. 

"Hey!" Xev yelped. 

A rich chuckle floated into the room followed by Prince. "Ah, is everybody comfy?" He motioned his bodyguards to wait at the door, as he walked over to the squabbling group at the table. 

790, Stan and Xev froze momentarily in place. "Well now,” Prince continued in a bright cheery voice as he turned the remaining chair around and straddled it. "How are we all this afternoon?" He folded his arms on the back of the chair and regarded his prisoners with a benign smile.

"We are upset," Xev snapped. "Why don't you let us go before Kai finds this place and makes you wish you had left us alone!" 

"Finds this place? Why ever should I worry about that Xev? In fact I left him a note telling him where it was.” Prince looked at her serenely, I have nothing to fear from Kai."

"Yeah right Prince," Stan snorted, rolling his eyes towards the ceiling.

"Actually, I am quite looking forward to Kai's visit," Prince told the stunned little group. After all, he is quite an interesting being, and I hope to persuade him to stay a while. His intellect coupled with your antics will keep me tolerably amused for a good while, don't you think." 

Xev walked over to Prince and looked down frowning. A bewildered look flitted across her face as smiled up at her. "What makes you think that Kai is going let you keep us here?" 

"Now Xev," Prince purred as he rose and took her hand drawing her closer. "How many times has Kai broken his word to you?" 

Xev flinched slightly as his arms enfolded her. "Never," she declared firmly. Prince grinned as Xev shifted slightly, trying to see how tightly she was being held. He gathered her more firmly to him and gently nuzzled her neck, deeply inhaling the scent of her hair. As was usual in his dealings with Xev, he could feel the conflict within her. He knew that no matter how much she retreated from him, a very central part of her wanted his attention. After a long enough moment to disconcert her feelings, he withdrew slightly. He smiled gently down at her as she momentarily melted towards him, her body betraying her mind. 

“You haven’t answered my question,” she stated with an involuntary shiver avoiding his gaze. 

“I think that Kai is indeed on his way here Xev, but since he does keep his word...” 

“Unlike some people,” Stan muttered. 

“Now Stanley,” Prince paused for a second and met Stanley’s challenging stare. He continued in a light pleasant tone, “You know I keep my word when I give it.   
Not that I have anything against lying, but where would the challenge be in that. I have much more fun watching the expressions on your faces as I slip through the cracks in the truth.” 

Prince released Xev, who stepped back unsteadily, and he turned to smile at Stanley, quirking a brow up in amusement, “Unfortunately for you and Xev and 790, Kai has a very simple view on giving his word. And since he told you that you could not expect any help from him until you can master the art of hairstyling, I really don’t think he will be inclined to help you right now. Especially if I am only restraining you with out any physical harm.” 

Prince patted the speechless Stanley on the shoulder as he moved to towards the door; he paused before exiting and looked back on the stunned trio. “Thinking of it that way, he asked as he slipped out the door, “Can you even be sure that Kai will concern himself with you at all?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meetings and pondering

Kai had only walked for a minute when he stopped in his tracks. Had he not told Stan that he would not help them anymore until they learned to fix his hair? If he went to their aid, would that not be breaking his word? Kai did not break his word. But he knew they were in trouble. What should he do?

 He sat down on the mossy ground and puzzled the situation. Suddenly an idea occurred to him. He knew how he could help them without breaking his word. He rose and resumed walking.

     The Dark Glen was, indeed, dark. Hardly any light made it through the thick expanse of ancient trees. Kai walked quickly, constantly looking and listening, his brace ready to fire if need be. He heard many exotic sounds he had never heard before. Low snarls and forlorn cries echoed with every step he took. He had walked for perhaps five minutes when he heard a voice.

    "Where are you going, young one?" It asked.

     Kai paused. "I am not young, and I am going to Prince's castle."

    "Oh, but you *are* young, compared to me, anyway. And the castle is far. It will take you a while to get there on foot."

     "Nevertheless, that is where I am going." He glanced around him. He could not see who was talking to him. The voice was female, soft, almost a whisper. "Where are you?" He asked.

     "Right here, above you."

     Kai squinted upward, but could only see long green leaves and thick branches. "I do not see you."

     "Trust me. I'm here." A gentle laughter floated down over him.

    "I do not have time to converse. I must go to the castle."

    "No, you must not."

    "Why?"

     "Because I need you here. To feed my children!"

    Kai did not even have time to raise his arm before his body was wrapped in a mass of thick scaly purple coils. He tried to break his arm loose, but they were both pinned to his sides. He glanced down his torso. He was wrapped from shoulders to just above the knee. Escape at this moment would be impossible. Kai calmly looked upward as his captor descended from the tree.

    The creature was easily ten feet tall, with probably 30 feet of tail. Silver and purple scales decorated it. It had a body like an owl, a tail like a snake, and a head like a wolf. Its' large silver eyes peered into his, and it smiled, displaying rows of tiny sharp teeth. A long red tongue came out and swiped his face. "You have an interesting taste," the creature said.

     "I am dead," Kai said.

    "Not yet. But soon you will be!" With a chuckle it unfurled giant wings and began soaring upward, Kai still firmly held in its tail. As the creature rose higher, Kai could see the Glen receding below him. On the other side of the glen on the top of a small rise, Kai could see a several fortified manor houses, one of which was supposedly Prince’s. 

 

     Xev turned wide eyes towards Stan. “Do you think he could be right?” She asked in an uncertain voice.

     “Don’t be ridiculous Xev, Stan assured her in a confident tone. “Prince is just crazy, Kai would never abandon us. Especially not over something as silly as learning how to fix hair.”

     Xev looked at Stan. She couldn’t help but notice that he didn’t look as confident as he had sounded. She exchanged glances with 790 and then they both shifted their attention back to Stan. A long painful silence ensured. 

     “Sooooo… “ Stan paused and grimaced, “Ummm, any ideas on how we can learn to do the hair thing with no supplies?” 

     Xev turned the chair that Prince had been setting in around to face the table and dropped down on it with a sigh. She leaned her elbows on the on the table and buried her head in her hands, shaking it slightly from side to side. “Oh Stan,” she said in a tired voice, “I don’t see how we can; we don’t even have a comb.”

     “And even if you did, you obviously have no clue how to use one.” 790 sniped.

     “Oh come on 790, leave her alone, we need to think, what could we use for a comb?” 

     Stan got up and started pacing around the room, not that there was much here that he hadn’t seen previously. But maybe, he thought, he had overlooked something. Two small, but comfortable looking beds were placed up against the creamy plaster walls on either side of the room. The only color in the room came from the ample pillows and comforters upon the beds, which had an aged cream background and a rich deep holly and berry pattern upon them. In the middle of the room the wooden table with its two chairs sat upon a small oval rug woven of some dark beige material. The small casement window centered between the beds was sunk into the thick wall and had thin wooden blinds that echoed the pale wood of the floor. The blinds were currently raised affording Stanley a fine view thru the bars of a fairly large garden bordered by woods; unfortunately, he was not really in the mood to admire it. 

     Although sighing inwardly, Stan had to admit, that Kai could not find fault with Prince over the quality and comfort of their accommodations. Exasperated, Stan crossed the room towards the Xev’s side of the room. Ignoring 790’s staring eyes, he ducked into the small bathroom. The room was bare except for basic sanitary facilities and supplies. The only other things in the room where a wall mirror and a few towels draped over the edge of the small tub. Even the mirror he found was no help, as it seemed to be fastened to the wall with some type of adhesive. Defeated Stan slouched back into the main room.

     “Well you putrid pimple on the face of humanity, you didn’t find anything did you? Although you wouldn’t have even if it was sitting right in front of you.” 

     “Oh shut up 790.” Xev told the errant robot head tiredly. “No one wants to fight with you right now.”

     “Well Xev, the only thing I can think of is you are going to have to get sweet talk your comb and some stuff out of Prince.”

     Xev looked at Stanley in exasperation. “Oh sure Stan, and just when do you expect me to have an opportunity to do that?”

     “How do I know Xev! Gosh I wish Kai was here, even if he wasn’t helping us, I’d feel a lot better having him around to keep Prince in check.”

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lets Chat!

Kai watched as the creature brought him into a large nest woven from twigs and bones. Two smaller birds called excitedly to their mother.  Kai was set down near them, he waited for an opportunity to escape.

     “Supper time!” The mother declared, unwinding her tail from Kai.

     As soon as she had freed him, Kai fired his brace towards a sturdy branch on a distant tree.  “I cannot be your dinner,” he called over his shoulder as he swung away.  “I must go to the castle.”

     The creature gave a shriek.  He heard her wings unfurl, but by then he had already caught another branch and was ahead of her.  He moved rapidly, swinging from tree to tree, until he had made his way out of the forest.

     He landed gracefully on the path again.  He saw his pursuer abruptly halt at the edge of the woods.  With an angry hiss, she went back into the trees.  Apparently she was afraid to pursue him in the open.  He resumed walking.

He had not gone far before he saw two wooden signs with two arrows. He paused to read them. One said ‘This Way to the Perilous Marsh’ and the other said, ‘This Way to Prince’s Castle.’

     Kai pondered.  It wasn’t above Prince to have arranged for the direction of the arrows to be changed, so that he would be heading into more trouble. Unfortunately he had no way of knowing.  What to do… Kai narrowed his eyes.  There was a faint smudge in the dust on one of the signs.  A fingerprint. Now he knew which way to go. Brace primed, eyes and ears alert, he strode down his chosen path.

 

     Xev was roused from a fitful sleep by a brief pounding on the door. She sat up and looked around, momentarily confused that she was not on the Lexx. Then she remembered that she was stranded on his little wooded planet while Lexx went off and did Lexx things. She sat on the edge of the bed, still confused because this wasn’t even her room on the wooded planet. She heard the lock in the door rattle. As it clicked so did the memory of the pervious day. “Stan!” she hissed, as she stumbled across the room to shake him awake. 

     “Wha… What. Okay, okay, I’m up, I’m up.” Stan mumbled sleepily, trying to make bleary eyes focus on his tormenter. “Oh Geeze Xev, what…” he started to say, before the sound of the door opening caused them both to focus on it. 

The door swung open and two armed guards entered, moving to stand on either side of the door. In their wake came three servants, the first carried a tray of food, which she sat on the side of the table. The other two servants were burdened with cleaning implements, towels and such. They flanked out, the man setting down the broom and mop by the guards and then moving towards the window with a small bottle and a cleaning cloth, while his female companion took the bucket, some bottles and the towels and dove into the bathroom and immediately started running water.

     No one spoke as the tall woman who had carried the food set down spoons, napkins, cups and covered plates in front of both chairs. She left the two small jugs in the center of the tray and then took the covers off of both plates and motioned them to the table. 

     “Ummm Hi,” said Stan uncertainly. “I’m Stan and this is Xev. And you would be?” he queried with what he hoped was a friendly lilt.

     The tall woman merely looked that them and again silently motioned towards the table with a wave of her hand. As Xev and Stan sat down at the table she placed the plate covers on the serving tray beside the jugs and moved towards the beds. Xev looked at her plate and then looked at serving woman, but the smell of the food won her undecided attention, after all, she hadn’t had anything to eat since yesterday early morning.

     Stan however continued to watch the woman. He was making particular note of her hair done in a severe braided upsweep. Stan was willing to bet that she would have made short work of doing Kai’s hair. As he was puzzling out how her hair was fixed, and calculating the amount of hair fasteners he could see, he noticed that she had started to make the beds. “Whoa, wait a minute,” he called to her jumping up and hurrying over to his bed. “You don’t have to do that, Xev and I will take care of the beds. Really….” He trailed off, as she just looked at him and returned to fluffing the pillows, and straightening the bedclothes. 

     “So, um what did you say you name was again?” 

     “Please sir, you food is getting cold.” The woman said as she motioned him back towards the table. This earned her a quick glance from the man at the window and a admonitory cough from one of the guards at the door. She glanced at the guard and then again motioned Stanley back to the table, before turning to finish making his bed.

     The cleaning went swiftly while Stan and Xev watched, beds were made, surfaces were dusted, floors were swept and mopped. The only pause in this whirlwind of cleaning came when 790 took exception to being moved from his perch on the windowsill, so that the window could be cleaned. 

     “Listen you walking excuse for a pustule, put me back right now! I must keep a look out for my sweet dead meat. I won’t be moved do you hear me, put me back!”

     Stan jumped up again and took the robot head from the startled servant, “Um, 790, our friends are cleaning, and we don’t want to get in their way now do we? Kai wouldn’t like us to upset them for no reason now would he?” Stan's light breezy voice did not match the meaningful look he gave to the robot head as he wedged him into a small space on the table. 

     790 grumbled in a low voice, but reframed from verbally attacking the cleaning crew as they finished their duties and Stan and Xev finished the food on their plates. Stan jerked his head meaningfully at Xev as he called out thanks to the crew as they collected up their supplies and the tray. 

     “Yes thank you for everything,” Xev cooed at the flustered servant who glanced at her as he stumbled out the door.

     “And exactly why are we trying to kiss up to peasants?” sneered 790.

     “Oh shut up you stupid robot head. Did you see that woman’s hair? Did you see how many hair fasteners she had in it? Heck Xev, I bet she would know how to do Kai’s hair.

     “They’re gone now you boil on the buttocks of humanity,” 790 groused, ignoring Stan’s observations. “Can I go back to my vigil now?” 

     “Why sure, 790,” Xev told him as she propped him back on the windowsill and looked out over the gardens. “Okay Stan, now what happens?”

 

     Kai had realized that the smudge on the arrow was not an attempt to trick him; rather, it was an attempt to make him wonder if he had been tricked.  Prince loved to play games, and if Kai had gone the wrong way Prince was smart enough to know that Kai could get himself out of almost any situation.  So there would have been no purpose in sending him the wrong way, except to detain him.  Kai did not think Prince wanted him to be detained.  Prince hated to wait, even though he was very good at it.

     It did not take long for Kai to see that his choice had been correct.  The castle loomed ahead of him.  Kai studied the design.  He had two options: to lift himself to a window and begin hunting for them, or to announce his presence to Prince and tell Prince to take him to Xev and Stan. He had decided by the time he reached the castle.

     Kai strode right up to the front doors and thumped the large brass doorknocker.  A moment later a man came to the door.  From the way he was dressed, Kai deduced that he was one of Prince’s servants.

     “May I help you?”

     “I am Kai, last of the Brunnen-G.  I am here to see Prince.”

     The man nodded.  “Yes, Sir, we’ve been expecting you.  This way, please.” Kai followed the man down the main hall and into a parlor.  Prince was sitting in a plush purple chair near a small wooden table, drinking from a crystal goblet.  He smiled when Kai entered the room.

     “Kai.  What a delightful surprise.”

     Kai frowned.  “You do not look surprised.   And you have been expecting me.”

     “True.  But it sounded so good, didn’t it.”  He waved a hand towards a bottle.  “Would you like some wine?”

     “I do not drink.  I have no stomach.”

     “Pity.”  Prince took another sip.

     “You will take me to Stan and Xev now,” Kai said flatly.

     “Yes… provided you sit and talk with me first.”

     “About what?”

     “Five minutes, Kai.  Sit down with me for five minutes.  Then I will take you to them.”

     Kai studied Prince.  “Is this one of your deals?” He asked.

     “Yes.”

     “Then since you always stick to your deals, I will sit and talk with you.  For five minutes.”  Kai took the chair on the other side of the table. Prince smiled.

Kai crossed his legs, and then looked into Prince’s eyes. “What do you wish to talk about?”


	5. Chapter 5

Prince smiled at Kai, amused to see him copying his posture. "Well, Kai," he murmured, leaning back and stroking his lower lip with an index finger. "Not that your visit is not an utter delight, but I can't help but wonder what brings you here and why you are so insistent upon seeing Stan and Xev. Especially since you said that you would no longer help them."

     Tilting his head slightly, Kai regarded Prince steadily. "That statement is

not entirely true."

     "Really Kai?" Prince asked in a light wondering tone, his eyes gleaming

mischievously. "May I inquire in what way it is untrue?"

     "What I told Stan is that I would no longer assist them until  they

had learned to satisfactorily fix my hair. So your statement is not entirely

true since it did not include the qualifier."

     "But since they don't know how to do your hair, you can not help them

without breaking your word. Would you say that that is a true statement?"

Prince asked in a slyly inquiring tone.

     Kai regarded the mocking Prince with his normal unwavering intensity. "That statement may be true, but only once I have ensured myself that they do not have those skills, it will become untrue as soon as they acquire those skills."

     "Ah, now but since I hold them prisoner, and you may not help them, how  will you find out when they have acquired these skills with out my permission?"

     "I do not need your permission to see them," Kai informed Prince in a cold

hard voice. "There is nothing you can do to stop me, and you know this."

     "True enough Kai, but if you force my hand, I might do something drastic to them.  I'm sure you don't want that to happen, especially since you have sworn not to help them." Prince held up his hand forestalling Kai’s reply: "yet."

     He smiled again, lifting his wine goblet to take another drink, only to suddenly feel the cold metal of Kai’s brace locked around his throat like a lethal necklace.

     “It will be difficult for you to do anything drastic to them if you are dead,” Kai said quietly.

     Prince cleared his throat several times, “Quite right, Kai.” His voice was raspy from the brace.  Even if he tried to call for help he would likely not be heard.  Besides, Prince was not a man who called for help.  He knew Kai would not kill him, or he thought he knew.  He sat very still, waiting for the ex-assassin’s next move.

     Kai snapped the brace away, the gesture almost casual, as if to imply that Prince should reconsider any ideas of trying to trick him.  “You have three minutes left,” Kai said.

     “Well, now.  I did make you a deal, didn’t I? And I always stick to my deals.  So let us talk.”  Prince’s hand shook slightly as he took a drink and sat the goblet back down.

     “I am listening.”

     “You know, Kai, if you were under my roof, I would see to it that your hair was done properly every day.  And have new clothes made for you.”

     “There is nothing wrong with the clothes I have on.”

     “No, no, not at all.  Other than the fact that they are a constant reminder of what you used to be.”

     “The dead do not-“

     “The dead do not what? Get upset? Don’t think about their past? The first part I’ll grant you, but if you say your past means nothing to you then you are lying, Kai.”

     “Explain,” Kai said, a slight frown on his face.

     “You are an ex-assassin.  You stopped being an assassin because you regained your memories.  You understand the difference between good and evil now.  When you see evil you destroy it.  If those qualities mean nothing to you, why would you act for the cause of the good?  You think about your past.  Intellectually, you do not like what you did.  Yet you carry a constant reminder of it with what you wear.  A mockery of the clothing you had when you were alive.  A mockery of all that you were, all you believed in.”

     Kai looked down.  Prince kept his face neutral, though inside he smiled.  He had given Kai something to think about.

     “Well, I think our time is up,” Prince announced cheerfully.  He rose.  “And as I keep my word, I’ll take you to see them.  Come this way.”

     He walked through the hall, Kai silently walking beside him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kai finally shows up!

“Ouch Stan, don’t tug so hard!”

     “Well, I’m sorry Xev, but it’s hard to get your hair untangled without a comb or a brush. You have a lot of snarls back here.”

     “Are you ever going to start trying to braid that lank mess she calls her hair, or are you just going to pull it all out?” groused 790, who wanted to be back on his window perch looking for his deadly thriller in black.

     “No, I think it is smooth enough to start now. Let me see, where is that piece of string we ripped off the rug tassel?” Stan said.

     790 heaved a huge sigh, or as much of a sigh as a disembodied robot head could manage. He focused the projection rays in his eyes to a narrow beam and pointed them towards the rug, where a seven-inch piece sting had fallen.   “Right there you moron. Can we get on with it?” he inquired impatiently.

     “You know 790, this would be a lot easier if you were a little more of a team player,” Stan said as he picked up the string and set it back down on the table beside him. He ignored 790’s mutterings and instead concentrated on the images of how a braid was formed that 790 was now projecting with his eyes.

     “Hey 790, how is it that you know how to do these things?” Asked Xev as Stan clumsily separated her hair into three sections. 

     With out interrupting the instructional video that was looping a few feet in front of them, 790 replied in a testy voice. “Love slave training includes lots of information on how to make yourself beautiful for your master. Since I received your instruction I know this stuff and you don’t. This would account for the fact that you walk around looking like a ill-kempt hag.”  The projection wavered a bit as Xev smacked 790 on the top of his head. “Slut, keep your hands to your self, “ 790 growled and shot her an angry glare.

     “Hey Xev, don’t do that, I’m trying to watch it.” Stan protested as the picture broke up briefly while 790 was glaring at Xev and then reformed. Crewing on his lip in concentration, Stan finished up the braid and tied it off with the rug tassel. “There. What do you think? Not bad for my first attempt huh.”

     “No not at all Tweedle,” 790 interjected venomously, “if you were attempting to make her look more hideous than she usually does, I’d say you achieved your objective. However, if you are ever going to do it well enough to braid the hair of my gorgeous corpse, you’ll have to do much better!” 

     “Let me go look Stan” Xev said as she stood up and headed towards the bathroom mirror.

     Stan turned a long-suffering look upon 790. “Now look here 790, if you have any thing helpful to suggest fine, other wise just shut it, okay?”

     Xev had almost reached the bathroom when the hall door opened and Kai stepped into the room. Xev glanced over her shoulder at the sound of the door opening.  “Kai!” she shrieked joyously as she spun around and flung herself in his arms. “Oh Kai,” she cried hugging him tightly. “I knew you’d come for us, I knew it!”

     For a few moments there was pandemonium as Stan hurried over trying to speak to Kai over shouts from 790, who was demanding to be taken to his sweet stiff in black.  Just as their uproar was dying down, Prince entered the room.

Xev's joyful expression faded at his arrival. Stan, noticing the change on Xev’s face, looked up and scowled at Prince. Even 790 quieted as Prince walked over to the table, and favored them with a sardonic twitch of his brows.

     "Hello, all," Prince said cheerfully as the guards exited the room and closed the door in response to his gesture. "How are my favorite guests this afternoon?" 

     "Sick of being in this damn room, is how we are!" Stan said. 

     "But these are beautiful accommodations," Prince said as he made a slow circle around Kai and Xev, eyes crinkling as he took in Xev’s rather lumpy braid. 

Xev glowered at him over Kai’s shoulder. "Why Xev," he cooed. "Are you trying a new hairdo?" He flicked a quick glance at Kai who was had turned his head slightly and was watching him and then retuned his attention to Xev, his smile deepening. “It’s very nice Xev, but perhaps just a bit uneven don’t you think?”

Stan saw his grin and snapped, "Well, what do you expect when we have nothing to comb her hair with?!"

Xev leaned back and looked at Kai, "Please Kai, get us out of here!"

Kai gently disentangled himself from the distraught love slave, "I cannot do that Xev." He said quietly stepping away from her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All rights to Salter Street or who ever now owns their property.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prince is a major jerk. Big surprise there right?

Xev looked at Kai in wild disbelief when he said he would not help them, lower lip trembling she cried, "Why?"

     "I'll tell you why you ignorant b*tch…" 790 shouted, before falling silent in response to a frown and slight headshake from Kai.

     “I told Stanley that I would not assist you further until you could properly fix my hair."

     "But Kai, surely you didn't MEAN that! Prince has us here as prisoners!" Xev cried as she studied his face closely.

     "But you have been well-treated, have you not? Prince asked smoothly taking a step forward to stand beside Kai. You have been fed? Kept warm and safe? Isn’t that true" 

     "Well..." Stan muttered.

     "Xev? Is this true?" Kai asked.

     Throwing a mutinous look at Prince she answered in a low husky voice, "Yes, he has treated us well but we are still prisoners!"  Xev and Stan both looked at Kai, his normally expressionless face seemed to be even more expressionless than normal. “Kai... are you really saying you will not help us?" Xev asked quietly.

     "No. I am not. Have you learned to how to care for hair in the Brunnen-G style yet, Xev? Kai asked her.

     “Well then what the hell ARE you saying?" Stan asked, frowning as he moved over to a where a very forlorn Xev was standing and placed a comforting arm around her shoulders.

     "Oh Kai, how can I? We have nothing here to practice with!" Xev cried.

     "It wouldn't help if you did, you and Tweedle are both hopeless!" 790 snapped.  

     “Kai, I know we could do better if we had the proper tools to work with. After all, I've never done this before in my life, and I did pretty darn good on my first try with nothing to work with but a piece of string.” Stan told the ex-assassin earnestly, nodding at the braid Xev now sported.

     "Yes, quite a smashing job," Prince murmured. 

     "Hey!" Xev growled throwing a venomous glare at prince from under her lowered brows.

     “Tweedle is useless Kai, kill Prince or we will never get out of here!”     

     “I will not do that, 790. That would not be right, I cannot help until you learn to help yourselves.

     "But Kai! How can we learn without your help?!" Xev cried with a hint of tears in her voice.

     “Kai,” Stan said earnestly. “If Prince would let us have the right stuff to work with we could do this.”

     "Well, now that, I'm afraid, is not my problem," Prince sighed in falsely sympathetic tone. 

     "Not yet," Xev retorted. "Kai, what are we supposed to do? For us to fix your hair PROPERLY, you have to tell us what is involved in fixing it!"

     Kai gave Prince a sidelong glance and then looked down at Xev and Stan. “Xev that is something you must figure out for yourselves.” Xev stared at him in disbelief, and then shrugged Stan’s arm off her shoulder and stalked over to look blindly out the small window.  Kai was not unmindful of her distress and Stan’s growing unease. “The reason I told Stan I would not longer help you …” he paused noticing the slight shaking of her shoulders and then continued in a softer voice, “Is that you seem to have developed an increasing dependence on me to solve all of your problems no matter how small. I think… it is unhealthy for all of you to be that dependant upon me.”

     A silence developed. Despairingly, Xev thought about how difficult it was to persuade Kai to change his mind once he thought he was doing the right thing. It would take time. Time and a valid argument neither of which she had right now. She blinked back the tears standing in her eyes, and the garden which she had been staring at came in to sharp focus, giving her an idea.  Exhaling loudly she turned and looked at him, "Well, if you aren't going to help us, would you at least bring me fresh flowers while I am here?"

     Kai regarded her steadily, “Why do you want flowers?”

     "It could cheer me up while I try to think about what to do!"

     “Flowers!! Xev, are you nuts! We need your comb back! We don’t need flowers” Stan stepped forward holding his hands out pleadingly, “Kai, Prince has stolen Xev's comb, at least make him give it back to her!”

     Prince cleared his throat loudly.

     After a short pause as all waited for Kai to say something, Xev cast Prince a murderous glance and said, "That would be *helping,* I'm sure."  She then pushed away from the window a few steps and looked at Kai pleadingly. "Please, Kai, just a few pretty flowers? That wouldn't be helping, just cheering me up."

     "Well, I suppose that cheering you up would be all right," Prince said with a smile.

     Kai looked at the smiling Prince and then asked him, “How exactly did you get Xev's comb? You said she gave it to you. Stan says you stole it. Are you a thief Prince? Kai asked in such a cold voice that it caused the smile on Prince’s face to flicker out and be replaced by a guarded expression. 

     "Stole is such an ugly word. I prefer 'creatively acquired.' That is not exactly stealing."

     "Yes it is!" Xev shouted.

     "I seem to remember asking you to give it to me so I could comb your hair with it..." Prince murmured. 

     "But that didn't mean for you to keep it!"

     “Yeah!” Stan agreed. “You didn’t tell him he could keep it.”

     Kai looked at Xev intently. ”Xev did you give your comb to Prince or did he take it with out your permission?” he asked.

     Xev flushed, "I gave it to him to USE, not to KEEP! Only to comb my hair!"

     "But you didn't say I had to give it back, either," Prince stated, a smug smile twitching the corners of his lips once again.

     "Since when do I have to ask for my own comb back! Besides, while you were combing my hair your guards burst in and grabbed us."

     Stan rubbed his hand across his face and clench his hair in exasperation. “Aw, geeze, Kai, you know he stole it, she didn't intend for him to keep it! As soon as his goons attacked us, he vanished. How in the heck was she supposed to have asked for it back?”  Tilting his head to one side with a mulish look, Stan regarded Prince for a long moment, and then walked over and stood directly in front of him. “Besides, What does Xev’s comb have to do with you taking us prisoner?” He spun away from Prince and appealed to Kai, “He shouldn't have done that. If he hadn’t taken us prisoner, we wouldn’t be in this fix in the first place. And we certainly wouldn’t be arguing over a stupid comb!”

     Kai looked at Stan and Xev and even the uncharacteristically quiet 790, and then turned to survey the room they were in. “Have any of you been injured Stan?” he asked quietly, turning back to face Stanley. “Are you and Xev in mortal danger at this point in time?”

     "Kai, what does that matter!  Ask Prince why he even kidnapped us to begin with" Xev challenged.

     “Yeah Prince, why don't you tell him why you took us prisoner?” Stan taunted.

     "Well it is quite simple, actually," Prince replied. "Kai will not help you right now, so I am in a perfect position to make a deal."

     "What kind of deal?" Xev demanded. 

     "I have told Kai how much better off he would be staying here, under my rule. I believe I have given him something to think about."

     “How dare you use us to try to manipulate my dead man of delight!” 790 screeched. “Kill him Kai, kill him now so that I can be reunited with you forever! I’m the only one who truly loves you, he only wants to control you, just like he wants to control Stanley and the key to the Lexx. In fact….” His voice took on a callous calculating tone. “Why not just take the worthless Tweedle and let the rest of us go…” 

     "I’m afraid I can’t do that 790,” Prince told him in a amused voice as he stepped around Stanley and crossed to the table looking down at the enraged robot head. “I don't want to take Stanley and let the rest of you go. I want all of you to stay here. I want Stanley, but I also want you and Xev and especially Kai."

     "Why!" Xev asked harshly.

     "Having Kai at my disposal would ensure me a long reign as governor of this land." Prince informed her with a tranquil smile, "And the best way to keep Kai here is to keep all of *you* here as well."

     Kai looked the stunned trio, “What Prince wants has nothing with what I told Stan.” He informed them,” He then went over to Xev and looked down at her. She looked away hurt and angry refusing to meet his glance. “Xev, he told her gently. You three can help yourselves. You are in no danger, I do not believe Prince will harm you.” Kai looked up at Stanley’s derisive snort. He looked at Stan for a long minute and then he looked at Prince and his expression hardened. The words, “He had better not." Seemed to hang unsaid in the air.

I will come and see you every day, and see what you have learned.

     "I'll be glad to let you visit them, Kai," Prince said graciously. “And you can even bring Xev the flowers she wanted from my garden.” 

     Xev mockingly muttered Prince’s last phrase under he breath, still not looking directly at Kai.

     "Kai! Don't let Prince sway you with his evil ways! Don't make any deals with him! He's evil! My robot intuition screams it!!"

     Kai walked back to stand beside Prince, and picked up robot head. “790, you know I am dead. The dead cannot be swayed.”

     790 looked at Kai's face longingly and then shot a homicidal glare at the benevolently amused Prince, before once again gazing up into the face of his beloved corpse before wailing, “But Kai, I can't live with out you!” 

     Kai put him gently back on the table. “790, I am sure that you will do everything you can to help Xev and Stan so that we can all be reunited.” 

     "I have to help these two morons to get to be with you again? Now *that* is *real* evil!!"

     Kai then looked at Prince. “I am finished here now. I will come back and see them in the morning,” he said in a slightly challenging tone.

     "And you will find them excellently cared for, as always," Prince said as Kai turned and walked towards the door. "In the meantime... perhaps you will consider my words to you from earlier?"

     "Forget it, Prince! Kai will not make a deal with you!" Xev told him, staring at him defiantly.

     "Not yet perhaps." Prince admitted stepping over to her and pulling her into his arms. Prince felt Xev stiffen in outrage at his touch, but she also trembled at his nearness. “Perhaps the time will come when you all will want to stay here," he murmured as his lips grazed her neck. Then he released her.

     Opening the door, Kai paused. Standing in the doorway, was a tall woman. Stan recognized her as the woman who had brought them breakfast this morning. She balanced a large tray on one hand, while the other hand was frozen in the air, apparently in preparation to knock on the door for permission to enter. Prince motioned her into the room.

     "As you can see, Kai,” Prince gestured at the steaming covered plates on the tray. “I am making certain that Xev and Stan are well fed. They also have hygiene facilities, running water, soap, clean clothes available for them to wear while their clothes are washed and quarters that are cleaned daily.” He looked seriously at Kai holding his gaze for a moment, “I am treating them very well... I do hope you keep that in mind." With this statement complete, Prince nodded slightly and waved for Kai to precede him out of the room.  As soon as Kai had gone through the door he shot a mocking smile at the stunned Stan and Xev.


	8. Chapter 8

“Well, at least we have food,” Xev muttered as she unthinkingly grabbed a plate from their small table.

     “Stop!” The woman cried , but it was too late.

     “OWW!” Xev screeched as she dropped the plate.  Her face scrunched up in pain as she crumbled down on to one knee cradling her inflamed hand.

     “I’ll get the master,” The woman cried, rushing to the door and calling for the hall guards to let her out.

     As she hurried off, Stan knelt beside Xev, the food and all else forgotten in light of Xev’s pain.  “Xev!”

     “Oh, Stan, it hurts BAD!” She whimpered.

     Stan frantically looked around, and then grabbed a pitcher of cold water from the tray.  He took Xev’s hand by the wrist and placed her hand in the pitcher.  “How’s that?” He asked anxiously.

     She nodded.  “Still hurts…. but not as bad.  Thanks, Stan.”

     He stroked her hair.  “Hey, I gotta look after you here, right?”

     She managed a small smile just as the door opened and Prince entered. He sighed.  “Xev, how do you manage these things?”

     “Luck,” she snarled.

     “I see.  Come on, I shall have to tend to you.” He held out a hand to her.

     She stared hard.

     “Or you could remain in considerable pain for a few days and have an injured hand.  It’s up to you, Xev.”

     She scowled, but took his hand with her good one and let him pull her up.

“You’re gonna bring her back, right? You’re gonna help her, right?” Stan asked anxiously.

     Prince sighed again, “Yes, Stanley, to both questions.”

     “I’ll be all right, Stan.  We’re no use to Prince dead, anyway.”

     Prince’s expression became one of hurt.  “Xev, why do you assume that I want to kill you? Or hurt you?”

     “Because that’s what bad people do!” She replied as they left the room and walked down the hall.

     “I’m not as bad as you think, Xev.  I just have different goals than you.” A snort was Xev’s only response he received. They entered a parlor room, Prince ordered the guards to stay outside, and shooed out a harried housemaid who was setting a tray with bandages and other items on the side table near the door. He waved Xev towards an overstuffed purple velvet duvet where she sat down reluctantly, her hand was starting to burn again, but she would have liked to examine the room a bit.

     “Well?” She asked.  “Are you just going to let me sit here and suffer?”

     “Sorry.  I was just admiring your beauty,” he said absently as he brought a large green stalk and a knife over to her, sitting in a chair beside her.

     “Right.”  She stared at the plant.  She had never seen it before.

     He used the knife to slice it open.  A clear substance oozed out of the cut.  Despite her pain and anger, she was curious.  “What is that?”

     “It’s called an aloe plant.  The gel you see is used on burns to take out the string and help speed the healing process.”  He studied her hand.  “You’re fortunate.  It’s a minor burn.”

     “It doesn’t feel that way,” she answered.

     “Then allow me to ease your pain.”  He applied the aloe gel to her hand, rubbing it in lightly.

     Xev’s features relaxed as the pain eased.  “It’s feeling better.”

     “Good.”  He rubbed in some more, and suddenly Xev was aware of the slow, almost sensual movements of his fingers.  She shivered despite herself.  Part of her knew she needed to jerk her hand away.  Part of her didn’t want him to stop, and not just because of the burn.

     He seemed to sense it, because he stopped and gazed into her eyes. 

     “Don’t,” she whispered.

     “Why not?” He asked softly.

     “I don’t want you to!”

     He grinned. “Your body tells a different story,”

     “My body is vulnerable.  But my mind is strong.”  She glared at him fiercely, hoping he wouldn’t press the issue, because she was afraid.  Not of him, but of herself.  To her surprise he stopped, bandaged her hand and then released it. 

     As he led her to the door he whispered in her ear: “One day, Xev, you might not ask me to stop.”  She looked disdainful, but he only smiled as he handed her an aloe vera leaf and escorted her back to her cell.

    

     Stan awoke with a feeling that something wasn’t quite right. As the wisps of sleep cleared from his mind, he felt a bit silly. Of course something wasn’t right, Lexx was gone, he was Prince’s prisoner, Xev had hurt herself and Kai was on a crusade to increase the number of beauticians in the world. Other than that everything was just fine. Tugging the covers up over his shoulder, he thought muzzily that while he missed the Lexx, this planet was certainly more comfortable.  He unconsciously stroked the smooth sheets thinking how nice it was to use real furniture to sit on as opposed to the living protrusions of the Lexx. He tugged the soft pillow into a more comfortable position and reflected that a real bed with real sheets and pillows certainly beat a dead moth carcass and membrane scraps any day.

     He tried to work up a bit of panic, just to keep stuff in perspective, but he was so warm, relaxed and comfortable he just couldn’t do it. So we’re prisoners, he though sleepily, pulling the soft warm comforter up under his chin, big deal. It’s not like they weren’t virtually imprisoned on the Lexx. And while the food Prince provided was just as bland as the stuff Lexx fed them, at least it was hot when it should be, and cold when it should be, and occasionally chewy. Stan thought he could get use to having toast and fresh fruit again. It was certainly better than the disastrous cooking attempts that he and Xev had made during their short stay here.  And that tall woman who brought it to them was certainly an interesting improvement over a food tube. He grinned a little at the memory of her smiling at him this evening when she had brought Xev up another plate of food.

     Just as sleep was threatening to overtake him again, Stan heard a stifled sob. He raised his head off the pillow and strained to hear a soft crying from Xev’s side of the room. Pushing himself up on one elbow he peered across the dark room and called out softly, “Xev, are you alright? Is your hand feeling worse?” For several long minutes he was unable to hear anything else. Just as he was about to convince himself that he had imagined the whole thing, he heard Xev take in a deep shuddering breath.

     Wrapping his comforter around him, Stan crossed over to Xev’s bed and peered down worriedly. “Xev,” he whispered, “are you okay?” Xev was facing the wall with her covers over her head. Stan placed a hand on what appeared to be her shoulder, and felt it shaking beneath the covers.

     “Ah Xev,” he said in soft worried voice, as he sat on the edge of the bed. “What’s wrong? Is it your hand?” He received no reply.  For a few moments he though she was going to ignore him, but then she rolled over. As she uncovered her head, he could just make out her pale, tear stained face in the moonlight coming in through the window.

     “Oh Stan,” she sighed shakily “ I’m sorry that I woke you, I was trying to be quiet.”

     “No. No, it’s okay.” He assured her. “I was awake, you didn’t disturb me. But Xev what’s wrong? Is it your hand? Should I have the guard go get Prince?”

     “No, it still hurts a little,” she said, wiping her tears with the back of the soft cotton bandage, “but it’s not too bad, it’s nothing really,” she lied.  “It’s just… well… oh Stan,” she sobbed burying her face into her pillow. “I just can’t take being abandoned any more!”

 

     “Xev, this is crazy, no one is going to abandon you, we all love you, you know that.”

     “First it was my parents, then 790, then Lexx, and now it’s Kai! Everyone leaves me!” she cried in a muffled voice.  “I just can’t stand it anymore.”

     Unable to think of anything that to say, Stanley just sat there patting her arm comfortingly, occasionally uttering a few consoling words in rebuttal to Xev’s increasing incoherent whisperings, until finally, she had cried herself back to sleep.

     After what seemed like hours, Stanley straighten up from his crouched position with a soft groan, and then stumbled back to bed. “Gosh,“ he thought to himself, “tomorrow has just got to be a better day.”

 

     Xev awoke several hours later, the despair from earlier that night had faded into a quiet sadness. She turned to see Stan, still sleeping in his bed she was touched by his efforts to comfort her the night before.  But only Kai could really make her feel completely better. She looked forward to his arrival.

     Since Stanley was still asleep, Xev decided to go take a quiet bath, thinking that perhaps that would make her feel better, while at the same time get her out of the room so she wouldn’t be disturbing Stanley. Who was doubtless tired after her disturbing his sleep last night.

     She crept carefully into the bath chamber, running very warm water with some soothing oils she found in one of several glass jars. As she bathed her mind focused in the problem at hand. She hoped they could practice somehow on fixing her hair. She was afraid to stay in the castle, afraid of being forsaken by Kai, and afraid of her feelings towards Prince.

     After her bath, which was made a little more complicated by her not wanting to get the bandage on her hand wet, She dressed in a simple dark blue silk dress with matching slippers that had been left for her.  When she came out, Stan was awake and sitting on the side of his bed.

 

“Good morning Stanley,” Xev said. “I hope I didn't keep you waiting by taking too long in the bathroom?”

     A sleepy eyed Stan, shook his head ‘no’, mumbled good morning, yawned, stretched a bit and then shuffled off towards the bathroom, apparently still half asleep.

     After a few moments the wisps of sleep finished clearing from Stan’s head and he decided to take a quick bath before breakfast himself. After all he smiled to himself in the mirror while brushing his teeth, he wanted to be look good, when the tall woman arrived with breakfast.

     When Stan came out of the bath, Xev stared.  He was dressed in a grey long sleeved cotton tunic, with black trousers, and without a hat.  He actually looked... well not ‘good, this was Stanley H. Tweedle after all, but he did look almost nice! "You look good in that outfit, Stan," Xev said.

     "Yeah?" He asked, surprised.

     "Yes."

     "Gee… thanks, Xev." He grinned at her.


	9. Chapter 9

“Well don't you both look wonderful this morning,” Prince said in a cheerful voice. He smiled broadly at them, “Such a change Stanley from that ratty old uniform of yours, don’t you think?”

     “Yeah, sure," Stan grumbled, while inwardly acknowledging that the clothes *were* nice.

     "Hello, Xev, hello, Stanley, hello, 790,” Kai greeted them as he stepped into the room.

     At the sound of his voice, the Robot head that had been scanning the back gardens all night long hoping for a glimpse of his beloved man in black began to shriek. "Kai! Oh my luscious living dead one, how I've missed you! Quick! One of you morons turn me around I must view his loveliness, take me to my killer thriller."

     Stan rolled his eyes but figuring that it was the only way to shut 790 up, he went over to the window and turned him around.

     Fortunately Stan did not appear to expect any gratitude from 790. Which was a good thing, as the robot head was devoting his full attention towards Kai.

     “As you requested, Xev, here are your flowers," Kai said holding out a very full bouquet.

     Xev, walked over to Kai, looking at him carefully. As she took the flowers, she asked him. “Well Kai, do you think I look nice in this outfit?”

     "You... you always look nice, Xev." He paused a moment and then continued, "Are your flowers satisfactory?  It has been a long time since I have picked flowers."

     Xev looked at the large bunch of flowers, it was not what one might have expected. The bouquet included flowers, ferns, wooded twigs and grasses all bound together haphazardly. It looked a bit odd, and not at all like any of the flower arrangements she had learned about in the wife bank.

     “ummm, it is very nice Kai,” she said politely. “And different.”

     "Sheesh, Kai, I hope you never tried to impress a girl that way," Stan quipped, which earned him a puzzled look from Kai.

     Stan sighed and shook his head, "Never mind.  Thanks, Kai. I'm glad Xev, at least, can feel better."

     “Well I did wonder about that myself,” Prince remarked setting down a large vase on the table as he walked over and stood looking down at Xev. “But Kai insisted that since he could not be sure what you liked, he should add a selection of different things.” 

 

     “Well Xev,” he said moving a bit closer to her and taking a deep appreciative breath. “I am glad to see that that dress does match the lovely blue of your eyes. I was so hoping that it would.” He smiled warmly at her and then reached out a hand and gently touched a large spiny teasel in her flower arrangement. “Unfortunately there is nothing in this arrangement to compliment your outfit properly. Perhaps tomorrow I should forewarn Kai of your clothing colors.”

 

He stepped back slightly, reached into his pocket and pulled out a square of folded paper. “I also brought you something.”

     Xev gingerly cradled the flowers in one arm and took the packet from Prince with a puzzled look. “What is this?” she asked.

     “Oh, nothing to get excited about,” he smiled. “I wouldn't want you to get an infection or anything. So I brought you up a few fresh bandages.” He waved a hand towards the table and said, “Why don't you set those down a moment and I will help you rewrap your hand.”

     "Are you sure you can spare the time?" She asked sarcastically as she laid the flowers on the table.

     He only smiled, waiting until she sat down, then sitting beside her and beginning to tend to her hand.

     "Xev? How did you injure your hand?" asked Kai

     "Stupidly, but then what else would you expect from a love slut!" interjected 790 in a disdainful voice.

     "She got a burn from a plate Kai." Stan told him

     Kai's expression didn't change, but somehow he seemed to convey concern.  "Will you be all right?"

     790 continued in an incensed tone, “She is so stupid she didn't realize the plates sit on hot metal holders so the food will stay warm! The brainless bimbo tried to pick up the plate, metal holder and all!

     Prince eyed Kai, “It was an accident Kai, one that Xev brought upon herself, I assure you it will not happen again. He glanced over towards the window. “Perhaps” he said archly, “Xev was unaware of how the food was kept warm as it traveled from the kitchens through the castle. We cannot all of us have your range of knowledge now can we 790.

     Xev looked at Prince strangely, he was making sure that Kai knew she had done this to herself, yet he was defending her from 790. She had felt stupid after the accident, She though a plate was a plate. Plates that were burning hot were foreign to her experience.

     “Oh really Prince?” 790 smirked. Under what sun do you think that any love slut would have the knowledge vouchsafed to a robot like myself?”

     “Ah,” Prince smiled as returned his attention to unwrapping Xev's hand. “Now you see why I don't want to let you go either 790. You are full of much information, some of it unique. I would be foolish to let it slip though my hands wouldn’t I.

     "Not really!  I'm actually a very *dumb* robot head!  You should let me go with Kai! *He* knows so much more than I! He could teach me!"

     "While I am certain that Kai is indeed a vast library of knowledge, you are not a dumb robot head, and we need you here."

     790 made a growling sound.

 

     Xev was quiet as Prince applied more fresh aloe and carefully re-wrapped her hand.

     "I am certain that Xev would not have touched a hot plate knowingly." Kai said.

 

     "Yeah, right!  She's all breasts and no brains, Kai! You should abandon them and take me away with you!"

     "I am not abandoning anyone, 790."

     "Damn sure feels that way to me," Stan muttered dropping down on the corner of his bed. 

     "Stanley, once you can show me that you can learn what you have been asked on your own…”

     "Then what?" Stan interrupted.

     "Yes, Kai, then what?" Prince asked, giving Xev’s hand a final soft pat before rising and walking around the table to stand on the other side of Stanley.

     "Then I will take the appropriate actions."

     “hummm, I am not at all sure I will be able to allow that Kai, but..” He hurried to finish after noting the aggressive lift of Kai's chin, “We will have to see what occurs. Don’t you agree?”

     “Agree with what? When they have learned this thing on their own, I will assist them in leaving if you try to stop them. You can not stop me from doing this. As I told Stanley, I am not abandoning them.”

     “Well Kai,” 790 exclaimed nastily, “That isn't what that hag of a love slut said last night.

     Ignoring the warning look from Stan, 790 continued in the same venomous way. “Imagine the nerve of her. Crying and carrying on for hours that you had abandoned her.”

     Xev looked mortified, as everyone in the room looked at her. Her eyes darted from 790 to Kai and then finally to Prince.

     Prince looked thoughtfully at 790 and then turned a sympathetic face towards Xev. Her eyes however flinched away from the unholy amusement twitching at the corners of his lips. “Why Xev,” he cooed, “Were you upset last night?”

     "790 is good at exaggerating. I did say that I felt Kai had abandoned us.  But I was just tired and in pain.  That's all."

     Kai stepped over to the table and frowned slightly. "Xev, I have not abandoned you. If I had, I would not be here now."

     "That is true," Stan admitted standing up shooting a warning glance at 790.

     "Of course Kai didn’t abandon all of you.  I didn’t think he would.  Which is why you are here."

     "For now." Xev retorted.

    

     Prince merely smiled.  "Well, I'll leave you to your flowers, while Kai and I have a chat."

     "The dead do not chat."

     "Well then you can listen while I talk."

     "Why?" Kai asked turning to face Prince.

     "You want to keep seeing them, do you not? Prince asked. What am *I* getting out of all this? I am feeding, clothing, and sheltering them."

     "Against our will, so that doesn't matter!" Stan muttered.

     Prince raised an eyebrow at Stan, "But you are kept safe from harm.”

 

He then turned his attention back to the dark man, “And I promise you, Kai, there are plenty of harmful places in this kingdom. Unless, of course, you are going to go back on your word."

     "I am not."

     "Then since I am taking care of them, you will be allowed to see them if you will agree to talk with me when I ask.  And they will continue to be well treated.  Is it a deal?"

     Kai studied Prince for a long moment, "Making a deal... could be helping them

     A rueful smile tugged at princes mouth, "Well, let's not get *too* analytical, shall we?  You can help *me* by talking to me.  The fact that they benefit from it is a bonus."

     "Very well."

     “Um, you know Prince. I don't want to tell you how to run your kingdom or anything, but don't you think you have better things to do than chatting with an ex-assassin?” Stan asked sarcastically. “I mean, what exactly is talking to Kai going to do to benefit you?”

     “Why Stanley, do you think I am merely going to discuss the weather with Kai? I though perhaps Kai and I could discuss various ways of improving the training of my place guards, and assassin-proofing my quarters and other little thing like that. Boring I know, but one does have to think of these things, after all…,” he smiled deeply, “you wouldn't want anything to happen to me now would you?”

     Stan stared skeptically at Prince, shook his head slightly then replied with disbelief dripping from every syllable, “Oh no, of course not, not us.”

     “Well I didn't think you did.” Prince went on genially. “I am quite fond of you all in my own way you know, and it would pain me deeply to think of anything happening to you if I should suffer an accident.”

     “Why should something happen to Xev and Stan and 790 if *you* suffer an accident?” Kai inquired in a cold voice.

     “Oh my. Didn't I tell you? How careless of me. Well it is quite simple you see.” Prince grinned at them all, “If anything should happen to me, my guards all have orders to kill them. So... I though that perhaps, for your own good you understand, that I would ask Kai to help me improve my security.  I think an Ex-assassin would make an excellent bodyguard. Don't you?”

**Author's Note:**

> All characters owned by Salter Street, or whoever owns Salter Street now. No profit is being made from this.


End file.
